I used to take pride in the fact that I was never an angry person. Out of every single emotion out there I think anger was the one I experienced the least - and I liked it that way. No one had the power to get under my skin and make me feel a type of way. I was in control of myself.
These days, anger is the most common emotion I feel. And it never truly goes away.
Every time I think about *it* my body goes into fight or flight mode - I'm sweating, heart racing, and I just have a surge of adrenaline pulsing through me and piling up in my fists. And that's it, theres nothing else I can do, I wait it out and try to distract myself, but 9 times out of 10 it just ends in tears. They say time heals but almost 6 months passing has done nothing for me. To be honest, my self esteem has crashed down so hard I don't feel like myself at all. When I think about myself, I think of 3 words: pathetic, depressing, annoying. A second choice. And I never used to think that about myself at all, in fact I thought the complete opposite of myself. I feel like *it* changed me so much.
It's not fair. Why do I have to suffer because of you? What did I do? Why did you do it? How do you think that makes me feel about myself? Why did you not think of the kind of damage that would do to me? Why was it so easy for you to do that? Why do I have to act like it's all okay now? Why do I feel guilty bringing it up, feeling upset about it still? Why has everyone forgotten? Why has everyone moved on? Why don't I get to move on? Why do i STILL feel like this? Why do I still think about it? Why do I still care? Why don't I hate you? Why do I feel this way about myself. How do I bring myself back. How do I forget. How do I move on. What do I do :(
I'm always surrounded by it. I can never escape. So I'm always. angry.
Happy friYAY guys! I love how I say ‘guys’ as if there’s going to be other people reading this. Anyway, quick mind dump before I start revision. I realised I am suuuper impatient. What I mean by that is, I am willing to put work into something but when I don’t see amazing results immediately I get annoyed. Why can’t I be amazing right now?? I’m so silly, I’m only 19 but I wanna be successful NOW. and renowned. And I wanna have everything sorted out. But right now I’m in the period where I’m currently shaping that future I wish for. So it’s up to me to shape it the best I can I guess. I don’t wanna have any more regrets…
I am QUITE stressed, actually, so I also thought I’d map out my plans for the next few weeks. This weekend I want to finish going through all the clinical tests I need to know for my formative assessment which is on the 16th. I got through a few of them yesterday at quite a good pace, so I want to aim to finish them by Saturday. Me and my partner for the assessment are also planning to book the clinic to practice. Then I have a group project for optics, so from Saturday - Monday I want to focus on optics revision (more like catch-up) so that on Tuesday when me and my group meet up for our lens experiment, I’m all clued up and will actually know what’s going on. Guys, I'm kinda terrible at optics… even thinking about it gives me anxiety. Just as soon as I think I’ve understood, I do a practice question and get it wrong nearly every time. I’m going to ask someone for a study date so they can help me out a lil coz I NEED it.
Then on that thursday I’m meeting with my other group for a project in another module, so before that I’ll just quickly look at some ideas for it. We’re aiming to finish our project presentation before placement so we have less to worry about when we come back. After we actually discuss the plan on thursday, I’ll work on my parts asap to get it out of the way.
Then mid-end April I have placement which I will NOT be revising during because I will be absolutely shattered throughout, so I want to make sure I know everything I need to in time for then. I have about a month so inshallah that’s plenty of time. After all, it’s really just one module I need to revise and the clinical tests will be fresh in my head after the formative assessment. I’m actually really grateful for that assessment as it’s given me a sort of deadline to lock in and it’s keeping me motivated!
Finally, (yep still not done), I have a poster due for a different module that I also want to get out of the way before placement. It doesn’t seem too daunting of a task, but things like this take me a lot of time. I’ll sort that out in early April.
PHEW! That’s all my tasks that'll keep me very busy for a while. You know what, I’m not complaining. I love being busy. When I’m idle I start having a bunch of existential crises and wonder if I’m doing the right thing with my life and question what I’m living for. But this is great!!!!
I’m sitting in the library today in my own little cubicle. I feel like atp it’s my designated spot. I only had one 9am-10am lecture this morning, then I walked here, had a little break and started writing in here to clear my mind. And it just hit 11!
Okay, I best actually get started on all this work. Now according to the plan I’ve laid out, I just need to focus on my clinical test revision today. Wow, this was SO great! I feel so much better after laying out my plans. I don’t feel as overwhelmed at all. Thanks blog!! Bye for now!!!!!!
PS: SARA REMINDER TO EMAIL MIRIAM BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HELLAURRR there! I’m highkey so tired - which is funny because i haven’t been productive at all, in the slightest. I barely got up for uni today!! To be honest fasting has been really hard for me this year, what with living alone, being in charge of my own meals and myself. I’m kinda just hoping for my red days to come so I have a little break. UGH THINKING ABT MY UNPRODUCTIVE DAY MAKES ME FEEL SO GUILTYYYUHHH. I woke up at 7:50 - LATE!! had to rush and get ready and left the house at 8:20 for my 9am lecture. I got to walk through the park to get to my building!! Anyway the lecture was alright, then i had a tutorial which was meh and i went straight homeee. I got home at 12:30 and had a niceeee LONG nap. Then a few hours passed and i just feel so guilty coz i just doomscrolled until iftar. :(((( i could’ve been productive. Should i just delete tiktok?
Anyway i got an email while i was procrastinating revision, saying i got chosen to be the student content creator for my course and film a vlog about a day in the life on placementttt yayaya!!! I was super happy because i just love doing that kinda stuff, and i’m proud of repping my course. And get this - it’s PAID!! I’m quite excited.
After iftar, i cleaned my room a bit becauseeee surprise nawaha came to stay over for a few days yayy!! She’s been here for a few hours now and we just have been chilling and watching bridgerton. Im finally on season 2, it’s really good so far way better than season 1. Okay imma cut this short because i wanna quickly shower before bed and it’s already quite late and, surprise surprise, I have another 9am start! Poop. I really hope I don’t have work tomorrow. I just hate how my boss gives me SUCH short notice of when to go in. Like excuse me I have a life! I could’ve gone home this weekend. But Alhamdulillah anyway because at least I have a job! Right okay, i really gotta go now. BYEEE!!!
Well hello there!!! The time is 00:25 and ughhh i feel so nauseous. Ive been feeling this way for the past few days and idk how to get rid of it sigh. Im not ill either. Anyway ill live. My sleep isnt finding me rn and my mind is very awake so i thought i’d do a little brain dump before bed?
Quick psa… my thoughts aren’t special or original, i don’t think i am Socrates, i’m not a preacher, im just saying whatever’s on my mind!! And this is gonna be really jumbled.
Hmmmm the first thing I wanna talk about is this. Loving yourself is so important. But what comes first is humility!!! You are not better than anyone. Everyone is on a journey. And when you have truly reached self love you won’t feel a need to compare yourself to anyone. And instead you can appreciate the amazing qualities in the people around you without feeling envy. If someone does have what you want, you don’t feel insecure, you’ll feel inspired!!! The most beautiful thing about self love is that by extension you get to see the beauty in everything else around you.
Another thing I was thinking about is how I have been going about things all wrong for a while now. How silly of me?? I got so lost in my mind and shut out all the things I have to be grateful for, just because of tiny little (and completely irrational) thoughts that I allowed to fester in my mind. Only to realise those little feelings are nothing in comparison to everything I have been gifted in my life.
And really, some things that i’ve been upset about are actually past prayers that are being answered. I really do get everything i want, i just needed to see things from a different perspective.
OKAY I just realised this is such a good place to be self critical. Not in a bad way. Usually when i analyse my behaviour i’ll do it on a piece of paper then throw it away. But maybe this is good because i can see my progress. I just want to be the best version of myself i can be, and maintain good character and a good heart. I wanna be humble, i wanna help people, i wanna be someone people can come to, knowing they won’t be judged. I dont need to be cool or popular, I just want to be a safe space for people. I want to improve every day. And DAMN there is space for improvement.
NEXT THOUGHT!!! I’m not listening to music because of ramadan. But GYATTTTT DAMN i’ve heard lil snippets of songs and it’s making me go crazy!! I really wanna listen to baby steps by olivia dean PROPERLY, and also bruno mars’ new album SPECIFICALLY risk it all!! I’ve heard like 10 seconds and it sounds SO romantic. AAAHHHHH!!!!!!
NEXT THOUGHT!!! Oh my goodness i just love my high school friends. We had a kinda deep talk the other day at wonderlust, and it was very eye opening and needed. We were talking about old friends and how sometimes it’s better to just end a friendship clean cut when you realise you are different people and have both changed and grown apart, instead of painfully dragging it on. Because wouldn’t you rather hold on to the good memories than risk the friendship ending badly and that’s all you have to remember it by?
NEXT THOUGHT!!! It is OKAY to take up space!!!! You deserve it just as much as anyone else!!! You belong!!!!
I think that’s it for now. That was really good and really fun. I have to be up super early tomorrow as I have a train at 8am back to uni :3 bye for now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WELL HELLO THERE!!!!! It’s my first ever blog entry! This should be fun. Today is the 2nd day of Ramadan. What a day. I woke up for sehri with only 2 HOURS of sleep, and had bananas on nutella toast which was SO buss I literally don’t know why I haven’t had it in so long. I need to start having it again. Anyway I tried to stay up after fajr BUT I WAS JUST TOOO TIRED so I ended up falling asleep again and woke up at 8:30…. Aka LATE FOR CLASS BECAUSE I HAD A 9AM LECTURE AND IT’S A HALF AN HOUR WALK.
But not to worry, I got to class only 5 minutes late!! I had to catch an uber which was so annoying coz I’m tryna save money but at least it was only a fiver I guess. So today I had 2 anatomy lectures and another ‘fodder’ module (as nawaha likes to call it). I spent the whoooole day sleep deprived, but at least I had a little fun with my friends. I’m still so tired now which is why this entry won’t be in a lot of detail at all. I got like 3-4 hours sleep in total last night? That and fasting together just killed me AWFFF today. Never again. It’s currently 8 minutes until 9 and best believe I’m sleeping asap. Anyway yeah I’m on the phone to the foursome right now and we’re just chilling and talking I love it. Bro I have sooooooo many other things I want to talk about today but I’m just too tired to type. OKAY BYE BYE FOR NOW THIS WAS FUN CATCH U LATER!!
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